Written the afternoon of January 16th, 1999...
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I'm back again. Things make sense and seem to have their place today. For the past few months I felt as if I were a different person. It's funny, I know. This is going to be a hard one to put into words.
I woke up this morning and looked around at my messy apartment. The laundry needs washing, Loki's box needs changing, and I have a stack of dishes with my name on it. The living room needs to be straightened, and my desk is littered with clutter. My home feels like it belongs only to me and Loki now. On came my Cake music and I ate my last tangelo, noticing that there's only three more slices of bread in the fridge along with some celery and a cucumber. Today there are no plans for me. I sat down at the computer and did some chatting with friends until I got bored. So then it was time to play around with creating some new graphics. All that I could see in my mind's eye were the stars at night as if I were simply staring into space. I wouldn't go so far to say that I'm really happy now that I'm alone and solitary. It's more of a satisfaction that I am by myself, yet not lonely. That's what changed a few months ago. I had always felt on my own until I was with someone on almost a daily basis. If we didn't see each other, we would talk over the phone. Never more than three days passed that we didn't see or speak with each other. When I was alone, I ached to be with someone. It was then that I noticed that I was alone an awful lot. That fact became hard to handle. Now I can better deal with being alone. My priorities are coming into focus. It's not a perfect picture yet, but it's getting there. I'm remembering what I wanted before I got sidetracked. It was lovely scenery along that path, but the direction wasn't for me. Now I'm back to my own path striding on into the unknown. So how do I know that it's right? It just feels that way. I don't know why it feels this way today of all days. Maybe I'm just accepting things more readily today. I'm single and alone, but not lonely. There are my friends out there. If I want to see them or speak with them, I can. Right now that makes me feel really content. So now I have things to do before the day is done. |
I know now that everything is going to be okay.